So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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