So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
