Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize