thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize