he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
