Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
