I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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