btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize