We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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