Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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