It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
