The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
