No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
