My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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