I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
