whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
