So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
