I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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