If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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