Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
