Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
