Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
