Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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