Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize