I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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