Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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