You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
