Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
