My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
