it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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