how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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