I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just forgot I was standing up.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
