her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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