My underwear smells like fireworks.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
