then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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