I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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