my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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