I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
