New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
