I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
