Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
