Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
