I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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