fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
