I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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