He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
