you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
