I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
