so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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