The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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