Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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