My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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