I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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