She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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