Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
